Codepedent Women

Many of us from Minnesota grew up with codependence. It is often seen as normal and is even encouraged, especially by older generations. “Minnesota Nice” is a close cousin. When codependence is considered normal it makes it hard to know what’s healthy. Sometimes setting healthy boundaries can feel mean or selfish.

If some of the statements below are true for you, it might help to consult with a therapist to learn how to recognize codependence and find out what you can do about it.

What are the roles of codependents?

The Messiah or Martyr: Wants to save the family, organization, world. Takes responsibility for things, feels tired or stressed out, doesn’t ask for help, makes self indispensable, and thinks “if I don’t do it, it won’t get done!”

Caretakers: Always aware when someone needs help. Continually puts others’ needs ahead of their own and feel value from being in a position of giver, helper, supporter, nurturer, etc.  Thinks, “but s/he needs help – I can’t just turn my back!”

Relationship addicts: Must be in a close, intense relationship with another person and be special to someone. May use caretaking, flirtatiousness and sexuality to gain approval; goes from relationship to relationship. Genuinely feels like they just prefer being in relationships.

Signs of codependence: Do you…

• Feel responsible for others’ feelings, actions or well-being.
• Have a lot of “shoulds;” do things out of obligation and feel resentful about it.
• Feel like saying no to others would be impossible in certain situations, or feel guilt about saying no and have to make good excuses for it. “Well, I can’t just...”
• Seek to avoid upsetting or disappointing others; feel uncomfortable with others’ anger
• Worry a lot; focus on the lives of other people: an addict, partners, children, parents, siblings, or someone needing help.
• Have concern about what others think or say about you; are really impacted by others’ feelings, words or actions.
• Become preoccupied with tragedy or other people’s problems.
• Compromise values or boundaries, tolerate unacceptable behavior from others, or make excuses for others.
• Anticipate others’ needs, and wonder why others don’t do the same for you.
• Use if/then thinking: “If I _____, then they should ______.”
• Have a hard time enjoying things being good, thinking “when will the other shoe drop?”
• See others as being either for or against you; feel offended, betrayed or let down when others set boundaries or refuse to help.
• Have difficulty directly address conflict or asking to get needs met. Saying “No, really, that’s okay” but getting angry inside.
• Apologize for things often: bothering people, changing your mind or plans, forgetting things, not doing enough, soon enough, or well enough.
• At times feel overwhelmed or hopeless about someone else’s life, or exasperated that they’re not responding as expected to your help.

Life can be difficult with codependent behaviors or relationships - and it doesn't have to be! Contact me for a free consultation to learn more about how your life could be different without codependency.